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Seven Systems Europeans Use That Make More Sense

With World Cup fever heating up, I find myself torn between my two favorite teams – America and Italia.  Thankfully, the teams are not in the same group and so I can root for both squads guilt-free (hopefully all the way to the finals).  As I was comparing and contrasting the strengths and weaknesses of both teams; it occurred to me that perhaps I had stumbled onto something much more important.  I realized that it might be fun to compare America vs. Europe… not just the ability to move the soccer ball around the field, but “bigger picture” things.  What common sense things do Europeans do that Americans fail to recognize?IMAGE

For the purposes of this first post, I will focus solely on the items that appear in the “win” column for Europe.  I will follow-up a little later with another post listing America’s “wins”.  It seemed only fair to publish the posts in this order since Italy logged their first World Cup win before America.

Some background… OK, this piece is not a serious look at which place is “better”.  I’m not weighing in on art & architecture, natural beauty or economic importance.  I’m not comparing the food or the people.  I’m only noting a few of the systems in place that perhaps we would do well to share with one another.  Without further adieu…

1.) Use of the Metric System

Let’s start with an obvious one.  With Europe (and most of the civilized world) using the metric system… it only seems to make sense that America should join the party.  Of course, why should we use such a simple and common-sense system?!  We are ‘merica after all. Land of the free and home of the brave (and sometimes home of the confusing).  Sure… let’s not make 1,000,000 mg = 1,000 grams = 1 kg when we could make 2.2 lbs = 35 oz.  I see the logic there!  There’s a reason that drug dealers have adopted the metric system, people!yNAsr hipster-america-and-the-metric-system because_merica_thats_why_us_flag_poster_large-raad8f53405bb4542ae098d89e2fe581f_8ep1d_8byvr_324

2.) Put Your Pocket Calculator Away

When you’re dining in a restaurant in America, you’ll need to do some mental math when the bill arrives.  Ask yourself if the service was mediocre or exceptional.  Then establish a figure in the range of 15% – 25% that you desire to leave the server.  Do you want to tip on top of the tax and alcohol or remove that portion before you establish a fair gratuity?  Finally, do the math and triple check it – someone’s livelihood depends on your generosity.  In Europe, it’s a bit simpler.  If your bill is €46 – you can leave a €50 and be finished.  Here in northern Italy, tipping even that small amount is the exception, not the rule.  Waiters are paid fair wages and so it’s not necessary to subsidize their income.  I understand the concept of tipping (I worked as a server all through college) but I do often resent paying an extra 20% to the surly server who forgot my ketchup, out of some sense of social obligation or guilt.tip-jar-resize

Boy... that adds up!
Boy… that adds up!

3.) No More Banged Up Shins

It took me some time to get used to the placement of light switches here, but now I’m a full convert to the European system.  In America, the light switch is on the inside of the room, usually next to the door (but not always).  If you’re walking into your own home, it’s no problem.  But if you are entering a foreign space under the cover of darkness, you may hear a “shreeek” from the cat whose tail you just crushed.   In Europe, you don’t have to worry about banging your shins or stepping on Garfield.  The light switches are on the outside of the room.  Simply illuminate your path and… go!

Avoid this by turning on the lights first
Avoid this by turning on the lights first

4.) Operate With Military Efficiency

You’ve never heard a Lieutenant in the Army bark, “get to the mess hall at 6:00… PM”.  They say, “18:00″.  So why does the rest of the American population divide a 24 hour day in half?  I suppose it has something to do with the design of a 12 hour clock, but I do see value in using the 24 hour system.  Admittedly, it takes some getting used to.  After a little while I realized that when Jen asked what time our favorite shows came, I was responding, “21:00″ (9:00pm) in line with the television guide I was consulting.

“I meant clean the latrine by 10:00am… not 10:00pm!”

5.) Baby, it’s Cold Outside

OK, I realize that this is very similar to the first point about the metric system… but some of these things just make sense.  Freezing starts at 0°?  Nah… let’s make it… say, 32º.  Yeah, that seems about right.Fun with Celsius

6.) Eat With Razor Sharp Efficiency

Pick up your fork in your left hand and knife in the right, keeping your fork tongs down.  Cut a piece of meat.  Set your knife down on the plate.  Reverse your fork from your left hand to your right, twisting the tongs up.  Stab your piece of meat once again and put it in your mouth.  Repeat.  Clearly, you’re eating in America (I’m also guessing it’s a 2-3 lb steak).  Here in Europe, this process is altered as follows: pick up your fork and knife keeping the fork tongs down. Cut your meat.  With the piece of meat you just cut on the fork, simply move it directly into your mouth with the tongs still down.  No extra puncturing the meat.  No setting utensils down.  No reversal of hands.  Simply enjoy your food.  Just imagine how many precious seconds of your life you could have been spared if you had been doing this your whole life!

"That American system is far too confusing. I'll just eat like this!"
“That American system is far too confusing. I’ll just eat like this!”

7.) I’ll Be Getting Off On First Floor

If you’re visiting an office on the first floor of a building in America, then you’ll need to ascend to the second level of the edifice, according to the elevator.  So when you ascend one floor from the lobby… you’re on the second level.  Hmm?  So, in America, we really “start” on the 2nd floor.  OK.  I guess.  What if that office is on the sixteenth floor?  Well, then you’ll need to go fourteen levels above the ground, since we don’t “have” a thirteenth floor in most of our buildings.  Wow.  Now I’m lost.  Here in Europe, they keep it simple.  The lobby is 0 and the first floor is… the first floor.

This is so much easier
This is so much easier

These are just a few of the things that seem to make more sense.  Maybe when I move back to America I can start a national trend to change these seven items to the European way of doing things.Sipping Espresso Logo

If you liked this post, check out my lists of observations about more differences between Italy and America.

ALL THINGS ARE A LITTLE DIFFERENT

Part One (January 23, 2013)

Part Two (March 26, 2013)

Part Three (June 19, 2013)

Part Four (March 26, 2014)

Humor

10 Signs That Confirm You’ve Gone “Full Italian”

Robert Downey Jr. will be the first to tell you that you never go full Italian.  But if you’re planning on living in Italy for more than a few months… the chances of going “full Italian” are pretty strong.  Truly being an Italian is rooted deeper than the country in which you live or the ancestors to which you are tied.   Being Italian is a state of mind.  It will affect the way you think, the way you eat and the way you love.  Did I mention that it will affect the way you eat?
If you’re unsure whether or not you’ve gone “full Italian” – here is a list of telltale signs.  The longer you live in Italy, the more susceptible you are to each and every point.  If you’re happy with the changes (perhaps the improved fashion sense and appreciation of wine) – stroll in to your favorite enoteca and plan to stay a little longer.  However, if the changes scare you (perhaps the increased volume at which you speak or your daily critique of the food you’re eating) – well then, hop on the first olive oil freighter and high-tail it home (there’s one leaving now… there’s another one… and another one…).

1. YOUR HAND WORKS IN CONJUNCION WITH YOUR MOUTH
This is probably the first visible transformation as you begin to morph into a full Italian.  When you consistently discover your thumb meeting your other four fingers as if you’re tenderly cupping a tiny quail egg… and then shake it vigorously up and down like you intend to scramble it inside the shell – you’re starting to look a lot like a local.  Italians are very expressive and use their hands to illustrate their points.  Apart from hand gestures working in harmony with your words, speaking with just your hands is a language unto itself.  The same gesture can mean, “he’s always late”, “that’s expensive”, “that’s inexpensive”, “stop busting my chops”… and much, much more.
2. IT’S SEVENTY DEGREES AND SUNNY BUT YOU’RE WEARING A SCARF
OK, it’s seventy and sunny – but is it November?  Oh, well in that case – you’d better have your scarf on.  And a hat and a heavy coat and two layers beneath it and don’t forget the gloves, just in case.  You did say it was November, right?  Italians dress for the season – not the weather.  This means that no matter what the weather brings – you can always tell who is Italian and who is just visiting.  I turned every head in my grocery store when we first moved here by shopping for toilet paper wearing shorts and flip flops… in February.
Scarf… check.  Hat…check.  Gloves…check.  Big puffy coat…check.
“Mom, am I supposed to be sweating this much?”
3. YOU CAN SET YOUR WATCH TO YOUR STOMACH
The time lunch starts deviates slightly throughout the country – people eat earlier in the north than they do in the south, but one thing never changes.  You eat at the exact same time as everyone else in your region, every… single…day.  This means planning an entire day around lunch.  Shops are closed for lunch, parks are emptied for lunch – basically the country shuts down until lunch is over.  You can’t schedule a visit to another city unless the timing of that visit works with your lunch plans.  Once accustomed to the dietary habits of your region, don’t deviate from the script or your stomach will start kicking harder than, Dominic the Christmas Donkey.

“I’m hungry… let’s get some lunch!”

4. IT’S TIME FOR COFFEE… AGAIN

I don’t mean the Starbucks 20 oz coffee that gets you through the morning drive.  I mean an espresso – quickly and skillfully delivered by a barista that will make a thousand more in the same day.  You can drink your coffee at the bar or at the table, with a little milk or without – but you’re virtually required to have more than one.  You’ll need your coffee with biscotti(breakfast cookies) in the morning, a mid-morning coffee, another immediately after lunch, an afternoon cafe and possibly one after dinner.  And that’s if you’re conservative – we have friends and family that drink as many as a dozen espressos’ in a day.  The Italians didn’t invent coffee – but they elevated drinking it into a form of art.

“15 espresso’s a day multiplied by 7 days a week divided by 24 hours in a day times 31 days in a month…
forget it!  Bring me another coffee!!”
5. YOU SERVE BREAD WITH EVERY MEAL
This was a great mystery to me.  There is always bread served with every meal, but no one ever seemed to eat it (you don’t eat it withyour pasta and by the time your secondohas arrived, it’s too late).  Magically, the bread always disappears and yet everyone in the country remains skinny.  I thought there must be an overweight fatina dei pane (bread fairy) flying across tabletops with an insatiable appetite for baked goods.  What I learned is that Italians eat the bread in moderation and at specific points in the meal (as a conduit for sugo, for example).  When you can skillfully (and secretly) devour the appropriate portion of bread – you have mastered one of the finest and least-known Italian skills.
Keep an eye out for the Italian Bread Fairy to help you eat your bread
6. YOU CAN FIND THE COUNTERPOINT IN ANY DISCUSSION
You know that you’ve gone full Italian the moment you voluntarily enter into the arena of Italy’s most popular sport – discussing politics.  Once you start cutting and slicing across your political talking points like a young Barry Sanders dancing across the Silverdome, you’ve reached the Champion’s League of your Italian-ness.  A less challenging, but still very “Italian” way of thinking is to engage in a conversation at argument-level volume by simply disagreeing.  Or better yet – agreeing, but doing it so loudly that non-Italian passerby’s surely think you are involved in a spate with a mortal enemy… not a good friend.
Bonus points if you can use an Italian soccer play in your analogy as opposed to American Football player.
“Heyyy, I told you I wanted a BIG salami”
“I told YOU, that WAS a big salami!”
7. YOU WILL LITERALLY GIVE THE SHIRT OFF YOUR BACK
Living in Italy is good for your soul – especially when it alters how you treat other people.  It is impossible not to let the infectious Italian generosity and hospitality seep into your persona.  Embrace the change and soon you’ll find yourself at the airport at 1:30am – picking up a cousin’s friend that his girlfriend met in college six years ago.  But you’ll be glad that you can be the one to help and you’ll surely get rewarded for your efforts somewhere down the line.  When you’re willing to give someone in need the shirt of your back – even if it’s Armani; you are on your way to full Italian.
“Here, take mine.  I’ll get another one”
8. YOU ACCELERATE WHEN YOU SHOULD BRAKE
Everything you’ve seen, heard or read about Italian drivers is true.  Little old ladies whisk past at 140 km per hour.  Motorcycles weave dangerously into oncoming traffic.  When you can safely and comfortably join the challenging dance that is played out on the winding Italian roads each day – you’ve become a native.  Bonus points for any guy that can drive a Fiat 500 and still look like a typical Italian ladies man.
“Vai!  Vai!  Let’s go!  Move it, buddy!”
9. YOUR FAVORITE PAIR OF SKINNY JEANS MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE A 90’s RAPPER
When you first moved to Italy, it’s highly likely that you bought some nice clothes so that you didn’t stick out too badly.  You probably bought an expensive pair of jeans and even purchased a cut that is skinnier that you’re used to.  Once you’ve lived in Italy long enough, you’ll think that “skinny” cut is so baggy you are not sure how you ever dared don those parachute pants in public (and that accounts for the extra 10 pasta pounds you’re sure to have gained).  Italians wear their clothes very fitted, very tailored and very well.  You’ll also discover that your fashion tastes in general have changed – a puffy winter coat?  How could you have ever lived without one?!
Julia wouldn’t be caught dead without her puffy coat and skinny jeans
10. YOU THINK YOU’RE BERLUSCONI WHEN YOU PARK YOUR CAR
Italians drive fast and they drive aggressively.  Parking is no different – forget circling around the block, looking for a spot.  You can comfortably double or triple park your car and then casually stroll into your favorite coffee bar for an espresso.  Airport run?  Throw your parking brake on and walk in to wait for your arrival.  It’s always amazing that everyone is so comfortable leaving his or her car parked illegally.  If they do actually get a ticket – the issuing officer better not be nearby, lest they get an earful about having the audacity to ticket such a law-abiding citizen.  When you can leave your car in the middle of a busy intersection with less stress than boiling an egg – you’ve definitely gone… full Italian.
“What sign?!  I never saw a sign!”

So there you have it – ten telltale signs that you’ve “gone full Italian”.  Have you developed some or all of these habits (whether intentional or not)?  If the answer is “yes” – then pull out the grappa and make sure your meal is properly digested… you are an Italian.  If not, stay a little longer – it’s only a matter of time.