Tag Archives: Humor

10 Signs That Confirm You’ve Gone "Full Italian"

Robert Downey Jr. will be the first to tell you that you never go full Italian.  But if you’re planning on living in Italy for more than a few months… the chances of going “full Italian” are pretty strong.  Truly being an Italian is rooted deeper than the country in which you live or the ancestors to which you are tied.   Being Italian is a state of mind.  It will affect the way you think, the way you eat and the way you love.  Did I mention that it will affect the way you eat?
If you’re unsure whether or not you’ve gone “full Italian” – here is a list of telltale signs.  The longer you live in Italy, the more susceptible you are to each and every point.  If you’re happy with the changes (perhaps the improved fashion sense and appreciation of wine) – stroll in to your favorite enoteca and plan to stay a little longer.  However, if the changes scare you (perhaps the increased volume at which you speak or your daily critique of the food you’re eating) – well then, hop on the first olive oil freighter and high-tail it home (there’s one leaving now… there’s another one… and another one…). Continue reading 10 Signs That Confirm You’ve Gone "Full Italian"

All I Want For Christmas is a White Lamborghini

You can have your two front teeth – I’ll take the Lamborghini!

Oh yeah, that’s the one I want!

Periodically, my father-in-law will send me Italian Groupon deals that he thinks we may be interested in acquiring.  Through this site, we have found good deals on restaurants and hotels.  Just like Groupon or Living Social at home – some of the deals are interesting, others are not.  Some are phenomenal values – others are just cleverly packaged marketing schemes.  Recently, he sent me one item that had the hairs on the back of my neck standing tall.  The opportunity to take a Ferrari and/or Lamborghini out on a race track and really “open’er up!” Continue reading All I Want For Christmas is a White Lamborghini

How To Write Good

Jen has been pushing me to work harder on my writing; she’s hopeful that one day I can earn a little discretionary income.  I have little faith that it will yield any positive results – but on the off chance a publisher is reading this and wants to take a chance on an untrained, unknown, first-time blogger… contact my agent.  My agent is Jen.  She takes 100% commission.

Julia helps me write on the blog

Since I promised her I would do my best, I recently came across a helpful set of rules to improve my writing skills.  I’ve seen this list floating across the internet a couple times and now seemed an appropriate time to re-post it.  I’m sorry that I don’t know who to credit as the author – so thank you, you witty SOB, whoever you are.

HOW TO WRITE GOOD

1. Avoid Alliteration.  Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague.  They’re old hat.
4. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
5. Be more or less specific.
6. Writers should never generalize.
Seven:  Be consistent!
8. Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
9. Who needs rhetorical questions?
10. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

Thank you anonymous poster that created this list of unbreakable rules.  I’ll be sure to follow them to the letter of the law!

Loosen Those Belt Buckles – Some Serious Eating Ahead

Before I’ve even written the first word of this post, my OCD brain is trying to figure out if this post should be categorized under the “Food” or the “Travel” sections of the blog.  I will be taking you along with us on our travel adventure to go eat some of Italy’s best food.  It’s quite the dilemma…

A selection of salumi (cold cuts), formaggi (cheese) and the cinghiale (boar) that gave his life to the cause

You may have read about part of our visit with Aunt Deb and Uncle S where we ventured into the wine region of Piemonte during the first portion of their visit.  Their two week sojourn in Italy included a mission to explore the best of what the country has to give.  It was no coincidence then, that their adventure had been neatly divided into three of the country’s best offerings.  Part I was Vino (wine).  Party II was Cibo (food) – the subject of today’s post.  Lastly, Part III was Storia (history).  Since they experienced the rich history of Pompeii and Venezia on their own, I will let them tell you all about it at their next dinner party.  I’ll simply report on the parts during which we were present… and luckily for us, we were present for a three day trip into Italy’s richest “food region”, Emilia-Romagna. Continue reading Loosen Those Belt Buckles – Some Serious Eating Ahead

All Things Are Just a Little Different… Part III

Another edition in the series that highlights differences between our native America and Italy.  In the first post (HERE), I briefly touched on small things such as uniquely Italian keys while in Part II (HERE), I expanded the list to include differences in culinary habits, banking and shopping.  Like a Hobbit collecting stories or a dragon stashing treasure, I have been storing many more of gems for a later blog post (I just finished re-reading The Hobbit… that may explain those metaphors).

Much like the last post in this series, I will try to organize these examinations of our culture differences in their family of origin.  The previous post also exclusively featured cultural digressions that we determined to be more positive than what we grew up accustomed to seeing.  Here, we take the gloves off and highlight the good, the bad and the ugly – tutti (all).

♠♣♥♦     ♠♣♥♦     ♠♣♥♦

DRIVING

Like in the US – cars, trucks and motorcycles are the most common form of transport.  We have spent a lot of time ourselves in our beloved little car touring the country and so, naturally we noticed quite a few differences.

Where are all the traffic lights?!  If there are hardly any traffic lights in an entire country, how are there not piles of collisions and pent up road rage?  Well, it’s because the Italians adopt a much more efficient system by maximizing the rotundo (roundabout).  The roundabout dates back as far as 1768, with more well-known examples as far back as 1907 (around the Arc de Triomphe).  More modern uses of the traffic-calming system were implemented in the 1960’s throughout Europe.  Washington DC is one of the few US cities that actively adopted the roundabout, so the custom was not entirely foreign to us (it can be intimidating for newer drivers).  I love blowing through a roundabout when I’m late for something instead of waiting anxiously at a red light for up to five minutes.

A roundabout in our town

Zzzzoooom!!  What was THAT?!  If you’re driving on four wheels you have to be aggressive just to fit in.  In fact, you’re more likely to get in an accident if you’re timid or ride your breaks.  Since I was probably already considered an aggressive driver by US standards, I feel right at home here.  But what I can’t wrap my brain around is the motorcycles.  They blow past traffic at double the speed limit and everyone just seems to accept it as normal.  You can be driving at a comfortable 120 km/hr and feel like you’re standing still as three or four Ducati’s blow right past you.  They pass other cars and each other, while facing oncoming traffic, in the rain and around blind corners.  I’ve never seen anything quite like it.

Watch out for those crazy motorcycle riders

That better not be your car in the left lane!  Don’t you dare drive slowly in the left lane here.  And by slowly, I mean passing cars at 90 mph.  If you’re not flying, the left lane is not for you.  Along with the aforementioned motorcycles passing in the blink of an eye, you’d better keep an eye out for that Alfa Romeo that will drive three inches behind your bumper until you move into the right lane.  I used to pull that tactic in the US (riding bumpers of anyone that dared to drive in the left lane)… man, is it annoying!

You trust me to do what now?!  Some things are a long-forgotten memory from an era far gone.  25¢ phone calls, hand-cranked car windows and floppy disks are all things of the past.  I thought pumping your gas first and paying second also fit into that category.  But here, people are a bit more trusting.  And it’s nice.  Reminds me of a more innocent time.  The first few times I tried to pump my gas, I kept searching for that mistrusting credit card machine, until I realized that it’s a “pump-first pay-later” society.  Which is kind of surprising, because…

Gas costs how much, again?!  Did I hear you complain about the price you just paid at the pump?  Is it the current administration’s fault?  Or perhaps the previous administration?  Go ahead and tell me all about how you just came close to hitting $4/gallon during the high-travel season…  I remember when I used to grumble about that too.  Never again.  I was happy to see gas was so cheap here at first.  Then I realized it was price per liter.  And in Euro’s.  I did the conversion one time (also… never again) and realized I was paying almost $9.50/gallon.  I threw up a little on my sneakers.

Gas costs how much?!

A TIME ONCE LOST

Pumping your gas first and paying second is just one example of the trusting and warm society we’ve encountered while living here.  Many (many, many) things here are rooted in tradition, which lends to a more easy-going lifestyle.  One of relationships and trustworthiness.  Personally, I find it refreshing.  

I’d like to withdrawal some money please.  Think about your bank.  When you go there to conduct business, did you have your ID?  Your ATM card and PIN code?  Your account number?  You bet you did.  It just occurred to me recently that I’ve been walking into my local bank branch for months without knowing my account number, presenting an ID or passing any form of security check.  This may sound somewhat alarming, but I kind of like it.  They just know me.  And I know them.  It’s the same three people and they always help me find my account and transact my business.  It sort of has that Mayberry vibe, where your smile and handshake are good enough.

Don’t feel well?  Call the doctor and sit back.  Doctor’s make house calls?  Seriously?  That’s amazing.  The “house-call” era ended long before Jen and I grew up.  We were surprised recently to see a doctor leaving a neighbor’s apartment.  He even had the little black medical bag, like something straight out of a movie.  Of course, they have normal doctors offices and hospitals, but apparently they also make house calls.

Don’t expect me to jump up to help you.  The “slow-going, there’s time to do that later approach” can be charming, but at times it can also be madening.  The local definition of customer service is uniquely Italian.  It means, “I will be happy to help you… just as soon as I’m finished doing whatever it is I’m doing.”  For example, when buying my car (which was an ordeal worthy of it’s own blog-post) the salesman would constantly show up late for appointments (slowly finishing his coffee at a nearby bar), take phone calls resulting in long conversations while I stared awkwardly at the wall and require me to come back multiple times for paperwork he could have mailed.  “Surely, that must be isolated to this particular guy” you say.  Wrong.  Go to the bank.  Just be sure you’ve planned for over an hour, because you will wait.  Go to the butcher… or florist… or anywhere.  Just be prepared to wait.  Please understand – I don’t mean to say that people aren’t pleasant.  They are incredibly nice and love to chat about nothing and everything.  The only problem is that the 5 people waiting behind you are doing just that… waiting.  Multi-tasking customer service is a concept that hasn’t arrived.

Babies get all the love.  I had heard that Italians were incredibly nice to babies before we got here.  I had no idea just how true that was.  It’s not unusual to be stopped time and time again by kindly older ladies or men, asking Julia come ti chiami (what’s your name?).  But even the younger kids (the tweens that don’t yet realize life exists outside of Facebook) are incredibly nice to babies.  We recently took Julia to the doctor for a check-up and the pediatrician was as sweet as could be.  He complimented Julia and even gave her a couple kisses on the check.  As born and raised American’s our instinct was to think it peculiar (and even get a bit defensive) that a stranger kissed our daughter.  But it was so very sweet and affectionate that we charmed by the act.

Some friends of friends… they just took to Julia and she took to them
Julia made a friend and shared her Nonno Franco with her

BABIES

Jen is the primary caregiver in our family – she is a wonderful mother and takes care of Julia (I like to just swoop in and be “the fun dad” – you know, avoid all the dirty work).  Since she has done such a good job taking on this role, she has also been the one to notice many of the following differences between US and Italian babies.

I can’t kick the habit, mom!  Know what a ciuccio is?  Sure you do.  You probably know it as a binky.  A ba-ba.  A nu-nu.  C’mon, stay with me folks – a pacifier.  You know who else knows what it is?  That five year old little boy that’s walking around with it hanging off his lower lip or the six year old little girl that pops it in for a quick fix in between bites of her risotto.  We tried to get Julia to stop using her ciuccio around 18 months and people thought we were crazy.  “If she wants it, why not just give it to her?” they would ask.  We eventually relented and the ciuccio is now as much a permanent fixture as her hair bows and coloring books.

Julia has a love affair – with a cuiccio

You’re going to use a scarf, right?  Baby scarfs.  Did you know an entire market exists for baby scarfs?  Italians are paranoid about the warmth of their babies.  They will quite literally wrap them in layer after layer of clothing, covered with a down jacket, accessorized with a fashionable scarf (tied in that tricky Italian bow-knot), topped off with a wool hat and sandwiched in between their sleeping-bag stroller thingy’s.  We were less concerned about the warmth of our baby (or perhaps, less prepared), often draping a ghetto sheet over our stroller, hoping she wouldn’t kick it off while trying to avoid the judging stares.  Next year, we will be armed with all the latest baby high-heat fashion.

Pass me those clippers, I’ve got a head to shave.  Italians believe that if you shave your babies head, their hair will grow back faster and thicker.  Who knows, maybe it’s true.  I’m not taking a position either way – but I sure know that Jen (and her mom before her) were ready to claw, scratch and pull the hair of anyone that came close to their babies with clippers.

I like my butt shiny and clean!  After a dirty diaper (pee or poo), they don’t just use wipes here.  It is almost imperative that you clean your babies butt the proper way.  In a bidet and with lots of soap.  Pat dry and wrap in a new diaper.  Just wiping with those pre-soaped wipes is not nearly enough.

MISCELLANEOUS

The miscellaneous.  Don’t really have a category for these times – just a few more things we’ve noticed.

Bring me a chair… please!!  Jen is much more obsessed with this than I am.  Partly because I’m not entirely convinced it’s different, but she insists that it is.  The cashiers in the grocery stores sit down.  I can’t picture it, but Jen reminds me that our cashiers are on their feet all day.  Having been [on occasion] all day on my feet – I do hope they’re wearing proper footwear!

Let’s build them just for show!  We have come to love the grocery stores here – with one exception.  When it’s time to checkout, the stress begins.  The two grocery stores we frequent the most have lane after lane of checkout desks.  I would estimate over 30 in each store.  But I have never seen more than four or five open at any given time.  It doesn’t mean the store is any less busy… they just never have a sufficient cashier-to-customer ratio.

Tons of people crowded into three lanes

Push, don’t pull.  Not an earth shattering revelation, but something that might help you prevent a broken nose on your next trip to Italy.  I’m sure you’ve never thought about the swing pattern of the door at the local store.  So let me help you.  To open, you pull – it swings out.  To exit, you push as you leave the store.  Here, it’s the opposite.  The only reason I would notice such a thing is that 30+ years of natural instinct had to be re-learned.

Spingere – Push

Bidet’s aren’t just for babies.  I mentioned above that the bidet is used to clean a baby after a dirty diaper.  Well, it’s original purpose was not for babies, but for us big babies.  And let me tell you something… it’s glorious!  I always caution all visitors – be weary of any hand towels hanging next to a bidet – do not use it to dry your hands.

Bidet on the right

That’s all for this post – more observations to come in Parte Quattro as time goes on!

Someone Turn The Hose Off… These Streets Are Flooded!

One of the true gems of the world…. Venezia (Venice).  The name alone evokes powerful feelings for many people.  Romantic gondola rides, historical architectural treasures, beautiful creations blown from Murano glass, unique hand-crafted masks and always… always a city constructed with streets of water.  Amazingly, the entire city is listed as a World Heritage Site in order to preserve it’s unique beauty.  According to my Wiki research, Luigi Barzini described it in the New York Times as “undoubtedly the most beautiful city built by man”.  I’d have to agree with Luigi!

Panoramic view from the roof of our hotel
Venice from the water
The Grand Canal
More of the Grand Canal
Happy to be here

Our good friends Nathan and Danielle joined us recently for a whirlwind visit filled with food, wine and lots of fun (read about it HERE).  We punctuated their trip with a stopover in this romantic city.  I was intrigued by the history of such a unique place and just did a little research.  Venice consists of 117 islands, formed by 177 canals and connected by 409 bridges.  I kept waiting for that “ah-ha” moment when I discovered the name of the genius city planner that decided to create a magical city on the water.  But unlike Bugsy Siegel’s Las Vegas or Sheikh Maktoum bin Rashid’s reinvention of Dubai – there was no one person that can be credited with the conceptualization of Venice.  The truth is that refugees fleeing from invasion of the Lombards sought shelter in the marshland that is now Venice.  And how do any cities really get built?  A collection of people working together to establish trade and industry, creating habitation and then services to support the population.  And so the city grew around the marsh and homes and churches and municipal buildings were constructed.  This begs another question.  How can you build a city on water? Continue reading Someone Turn The Hose Off… These Streets Are Flooded!

Sipping Espresso Got An Award!!

Our first award!  I’m excited, honored and flattered.  I would like to thank all the little people… namely Julia because she’s pretty little.

The Liebster Award was given to us by our good friend and fellow blogger, Michel.  You’ll notice that his blog, Our House in Provence is one that I follow.  I imagine if you spend just a few minutes reading some of his posts, you’ll be an avid reader as well.  His attention to detail and plethora of knowledge about his subjects puts my posts to shame.  Michel and his wife Shirley live in a beautiful home in wine country, California.  Michel’s passions include food (he owns a restaurant near his hometown, Bistro des Copains), wine (he is an expert in French and California wine), his family (he has two beautiful daughters and four bright grandchildren) and of course France; the subject of his blog (he owns a beautiful stone village house in Provence).

Michel and Shirley

Michel received his Liebster Award from another blogger I follow, Sara in Le Petit Village.  Sara is very plugged into the blogging community and has transformed her life in France into a successful digital collection of written word.  Her blog is one I admire very much.

The Liebster Award [in a nutshell] is one that is given among peers within the blogging community.  I found a blogger that spent hours researching the history of the award.  She had done all the heavy lifting and all it took me was scrolling half-way down page one of my google search.  My kind of effort.  If you’re interested in the origin of the award, click HERE.  The award comes with very specific rules and criteria, which I got from Michel’s post after he had completed all his hard work researching (I told you he was thorough).  So, I did not need to spend much time looking around for information about the award since I luck-boxed my way into everything I need to know. Continue reading Sipping Espresso Got An Award!!

Edward and Bella – We’re Here!

Well, we didn’t run into Edward Cullen, Bella Swan or that creepy little girl that can induce pain in people’s mind (I suppose the world’s largest and most powerful coven of vampires was in hiding) during our visit to Volterra in Tuscany.
Now this is Tuscany!

For the Tibetan monk that has been living in isolation in Bhutan… and my sister, the only two people in the world that haven’t a clue who Edward or Bella are – I am making a playful reference to the Twilight Series.  Buddhist monk and Michelle, listen up – the premise of the fictional story is simple. Girl falls in love with boy.  Boy happens to be a blood-sucking vampire.  Girl also falls in love with another boy.  Boy happens to be a shape-shifting werewolf.  Love triangle ensues.  They all get in trouble when the Volturi (fictional Vampire royalty from the non-fictional town of Volterra, Italy) get involved.  Giant battle rages.  Extend story over five books.  Produce six movies and collect hundreds of millions of non-fictional dollars.  You know – your classic love story. Continue reading Edward and Bella – We’re Here!

How Do You Say, "The End" in German?

Two posts about the Dolomites and now four posts about Austria… will the posts about this road trip ever end?!  I promise, I’ll wrap it up here… I think I’m spending as much time writing as I did enjoying the trip!

An unfortunate haze covers a beautiful city

You may have gathered (HERE) that we instantly fell in love with Salzburg and extended our trip by an extra day/night to see more.  We started day one with a visit to a castle, Hohenwerfen Fortress and so I thought starting our second day with a visit to it’s sister castle, Festung Hohensalzburg would be appropriate. Continue reading How Do You Say, "The End" in German?

"G’day Mate" from Innsbruck, Austria

Strange… not only do they not say, “g’day mate” in Austria – they speak German!  Oh well, what’re you gonna do?!

Innsbruck, Austria

After we spent four wonderful days in the Dolomiti mountains (which you can read about HERE and HERE), we planned an impromptu trip to Austria.  The Dolomites span across the northern end of the Italy, just south of Austria.  A quick google search confirmed that we could arrive in Innsbruck in under three hours and the opportunity was too good to pass up.  Once we explained our plan to visit Innsbruck to Claudia’s cousin, Angelo – he suggested we also stop by Salzburg.  Well, what’s another couple hours drive and another day or two?  After all, we didn’t think we’d be back in Austria anytime soon. Continue reading "G’day Mate" from Innsbruck, Austria